Fear, of course. Plain old fear. At the bottom of all the complaints, confusion and complacency is fear. What if there isn’t anything better for me? What if I can’t find another job or another mate? What if people reject or abandon me? What if I wind up alone and with nothing? What then?

A lot of people I talk to have some form of that kind of thinking. They believe any change means things will automatically get worse. They may be miserable, but it’s easier and safer to put up with the situation than risk changing it.

Just like that little frog in the picture, they’re hanging on to something that will ultimately kill them, but they won’t let go. It might not be great, but it’s familiar and tolerable–at least tolerable enough–which the unknown is not.

As you know from reading my books and blog, that’s the program I was on for decades. And when you do that–when you have that kind of mindset–you create a pattern of “not doing.” You get in a rut and limit yourself as a way of coping. My pattern was, “If I don’t do X then won’t do Y.” I had things I wanted to do and be, but they would rock the boat and I couldn’t have that. So, I didn’t do.

It was easier and safer to pull back and let down than to let go and leap forward.

So, how do we talk ourselves into doing what we know we need to do even though it scares us to our very core?

We start paying attention to our thoughts, words and actions. Yes, you’ve heard me say it a million times, but have you done it? If you’re feeling stuck, complacent, angry, resentful, victimized or just plain unhappy, you haven’t–at least not enough.

You have the answers you need, you just have to take the time to uncover them–and be willing to hear what they’re really saying. Listen for phrases such as: I can’t; I always; I never, You don’t understand; It won’t work; Yes, but; I hate; and the like. When you hear yourself say one stop and start digging into what’s really going on and why.

Listen to your complaints. What do you talk about that’s bad in your life? How do you talk about it? Are you venting to help tolerate it or are you looking for solutions to change it?

If you hate your life–or any part of it–start figuring out why. You don’t have to just tolerate and get by, wishing and hoping things will get better. You can live a life you love–if you’re willing to do what it takes.

Start right now by saying–out loud and with passion–”I love my life! My life is my choice and I love it!” Even if that’s the last thing you’re feeling at the moment, do it and keep doing it. You’ll either start seeing the things you hate in a different way, or you’ll set up such a mental dissonance that you’ll have no choice but to get busy changing things to fit your new belief.

Look at that little frog in the picture again. From our viewpoint, it’s so easy to see what he should do. Get that viewpoint on your own life. Do what you know you need to. Let go of what’s holding you back and leap into joy!

Say it again with me one more time….

I love my life!

Paula Renaye
http://paularenaye.com

* * * * *

Read the inspiring and empowering stories of Women Who Make a Difference, published by Silver and Grace. I have a story in Volume 2, but get both books. They might even help you see how fantastic you are too and how YOU make a difference! The books are COMPLETELY FREE–nothing to subscribe to or sign up or register for–just women inspiring women! Here’s the link: http://silverandgrace.com/women-who-make-a-difference

After renewing my car tags at the courthouse, I walked to the back of my car to put on the new sticker. As I did, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation a woman was having with someone she’d apparently run into in the parking lot. She was telling the person about her adult son’s latest troubles.

It seemed that Sonny and his crazy girlfriend had gotten into it again. This wasn’t the first time things had gone bad, and Mom was speculating on what Sonny would find when he went home today. The last time this sort of thing happened, Girlfriend had thrown away all of his clothes and other belongings. Sonny had come home from work to find he had nothing to wear except the clothes on his back. That had turned into a real crisis for Mom. She’d had to drop everything, rush to the thrift store and get him new clothes so he could go to work the next day. This time, Mom was worried that Girlfriend might have taken his truck, which would leave him without a way to get to work and give Mom an even bigger list of list of things to fix.

In literally seconds–the time it took me to put on my sticker and get in my car–Mom had given me a clear picture of an old family pattern playing out. Granted, it was only a snapshot, but it the facts were pretty clear: the situation had happened before, Mom had helped Sonny fix it, he was in it again and she was ready to fix it again.

If you’ve read The Hardline Self Help Handbook or my blog, you know where I stand on this sort of thing–a glass of tough love for everyone! First of all, this situation isn’t any of Mom’s business. If Sonny doesn’t mind his girlfriend getting mad and destroying everything he owns then no one else should either–it’s his business. He is not a victim; he’s a volunteer.

Mom rushing in to fix things only makes things worse–for him and for herself. By taking away the consequences of Sonny’s choices–he’s with the crazy woman for a reason–it only makes it easier for him to stay with her. By relieving him of the hardship of replacing his things himself, Mom’s actually helping him tolerate the situation and repeat the cycle. As for Mom, well, the boy didn’t come up with his way of how relationships should be all on his own, and making Sonny’s life her focus may be a way to avoid facing unpleasant situations in her own life.

There are plenty of possibilities, but one thing is for sure. Unless someone starts doing something differently–unless Mom stops rescuing or Sonny stops tolerating and allowing–the old familiar pattern and family dynamic will continue to play out, keeping everyone locked in an unhappy cycle.

However, just because it’s unhappy doesn’t automatically mean it’s unwanted. The situation is serving each of them in some way. They’re all getting exactly what they want from it–there’s a feeling or belief that’s being satisfied by the behavior–or they wouldn’t be doing it.

Our behaviors aren’t random–we have reasons for what we do whether we’re consciously aware of them or not. We will keep doing what we’ve always done until we consciously decide to do otherwise. And that usually happens when we find ourselves in enough pain that we’re finally willing to make different choices.

So, think about it. What’s really wrong with the picture of Sonny, Girlfriend and Mom? What would make them want to change their current behavior? What would put each of them in enough pain to say “enough” and do something different? What’s motivating their choices in the first place? What if one person changed–how would it affect the others? What if Mom told Sonny it was his problem and he needed to deal with it? What if Sonny told Mom the same thing? What if the girlfriend moved out?

Now, that last question might sound like it has the seeds of a great solution in it–and it’s not a bad plan, especially for the girl–but it doesn’t actually change anyone’s behavior. Girlfriend is neither crazy enough nor powerful enough to make anyone else do anything–what she does won’t automatically make Sonny or Mom behave differently in the future. Sure, it would take away that particular pressure in the short term, but unless Sonny makes changes in himself, he’ll simply find a new crazy girlfriend and start a new cycle–with Mom’s help, of course.

Take a few minutes and play out the possible scenarios. It’s a fun exercise, and it will help you start looking at a lot of situations differently. You also might be really surprised what you find out–about yourself.

* * * *

Paula Renaye is a life transformation speaker, coach and award-winning author. Visit http://hardlineselfhelp.com for more articles and tips.

Photo by: Sanja Gjenero

• I knew this was going to happen
• Too bad it took you so long to see what was really going on
• Guess you’ll believe me next time
• Glad you finally figured it out
• If you’d just listened to me…
• I told you so
• Anything remotely similar to the above

Yes, I’ve had those sorts of things said to me when I was in a bad place. Sadly and regretfully, I have also said similar things to others. In fact, I’ve said some things that still make me shudder when I think about them. And those are just the ones I was aware of. So, to anyone I’ve ever said anything like that to, here is your deep and sincere public apology!

If you’ve read the blog posts here or the The Hardline Self Help Handbook, you know about the tumultuous roller coaster relationship I had with Rebound Guy–the man I leaped into a relationship with immediately after my 25-year marriage ended. Like any unhealthy addiction, it took me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and frankly, I barely survived it.

But, like any relationship, the pain train didn’t go just one direction. I talk a lot about things that Rebound Guy did that cut me to the core. Those stories are very painful and very true. What’s also true is that I did things that hurt him just as deeply, just in very different ways. No, it was never deliberate or calculated. It was just me opening my mouth and letting my own garbage spew out–making his situation about me. That doesn’t excuse anything, and it certainly didn’t soften the outcome and effect on him.

The bare bones of the story are that about a year into our relationship he had a business deal go really, really bad. I had sensed it was going to happen long before it did and had tried to warn him about it. I tried hard–yes, to the point of nagging–to get him to see things my way and it hurt me that he didn’t trust my opinion. I was doing everything I could to prove to him what a great partner I was, and if he’d just let me save him from the crisis I saw coming then he’d see how wonderful I was too.

Well, exactly what I thought would happen, did. I was right. Woo hoo for me! I was vindicated! I’d proved how valuable I was and now he had no choice but to see it too. So, to prove how much he needed me and how terrific I was to have around, I gave him an extended version of “I told you so” over the situation.

Oh, yeah, I did. Rather than support him emotionally in the moment, his crisis became about me and my emotional garbage–me trying to get what I wanted from him without even thinking about what he was going through.

Remember that my belief system required that I have a man–specifically a husband–or I was nothing. Therefore, my world revolved around trying to get his approval and validation–preferably by getting him to marry me. If he’d just do that, well, everything would be great. I was certain of it–at least my subconscious was.

That’s the short version, of course, but any way you look at it, it isn’t a pretty picture. And believe me, if I had a list of do-overs, that incident would be on it–for him and for me.

Now, back to what a friend really needs in a time of crisis. When we hurt, we just want to feel better. We want someone to tell us it’s going to be okay. We want someone to tell us that no matter how badly we’ve screwed up–and we know we have–that they still believe in us and trust us to figure it out. What we don’t want or need are opinions, interpretations, solutions or “I told you so” comments. We simply want understanding.

Okay, sometimes we may want other things too, such as someone to say they’re willing to commit a felony to right the wrongs on our behalf. And even though we almost never intend to hold them to it, having that kind of friend is hard to beat!

Sometimes though, when we see a friend in deep pain, we don’t know what to say. So, what are some actual words to use if you need to?

For me, some variation of this phrase usually helps: “I know you’re disappointed and hurting, and I am really sorry. I’m here for you and I’ll listen.” Sometimes though, other phrases can be more helpful. I’ve found saying things such as, “That bastard! We should kill him” are also good in certain situations–and good for a laugh.

It really comes down to that truism of “be the friend you want to have” and keeping your focus on what the other person needs. With that intention, you’ll know what to say when–and when to say nothing at all.

Keep caring for each other!

Paula

http://hardlineselfhelp.com

PS: You do know I was joking about the felonious and homicidal thoughts, right?

As I read through it, I found myself laughing and just having the best time. I’m glad no one was here to witness the process because it probably does look pretty insane, reading along, writing a bit here and there, making snide comments as I go and laughing about it.

Now, I realize I wrote the stuff and it’s my brand of humor, but the thing is–glaring errors aside–the story is good and so is the telling of it.

It’s hard to write that here for some of the reasons mentioned below, but it’s also easy too, because I absolutely love the book and the characters–and it’s okay if others don’t. Obviously, I am thrilled when readers find the books highly entertaining–that is the point–but I no longer take it personally if they don’t. I still love what I’ve created and I’m good with it. That’s how we have to be about ourselves too, of course. But that’s a longer story.

So, if you want to know more, you can read a sample here: http://paulaboyd.com. If you want to dive in to the whole thing, you can get HETK on Kindle for less than a buck. Whatever you do, have fun and keep laughing!

 * * * *

I’m Really Good at That!

Why is it easier for some of us to say, “Yeah, I suck,” than to admit that we do something well?

Is it because we don’t want to be thought of as a braggart, arrogant, self-absorbed, narcissistic or egotistical? Are we in some way afraid that we really aren’t good, and that if we say we are that we’ll somehow be exposed as a fraud? Are we afraid we’ll be challenged on our belief–or that someone will come back later and say, “See, you weren’t nearly as big a deal as you thought you were”?

The answers are as individual as we are, but the bottom line always boils down to a fear of some kind–fear of not being good enough, of being unlovable, of being abandoned, etc. And because the pain that comes with that fear is pretty awful, we find all kinds of creative ways to avoid it.

Since the fear is that saying, “I’m good” is asking for proof that you’re not, you’ll look to others for validation. Someone else will have to pronounce you “good” in order for it to have any “truth” to it–for you. The catch is that it only works for that moment, because nothing changed inside and you’ll continue to need proof from others of your worthiness.

When we value ourselves, we don’t allow others to set the measure of our worth–to give it or take it away. — Paula Renaye

Now, I’m not suggesting that you become an arrogant blowhard. That’s just a different way of covering the same insecurities–a loud and obnoxious way of keeping others from picking at your house of cards.

So, if you can’t say, “Yes, I’m really good at that,” in a matter-of-fact manner when it’s appropriate, there are really only two reasons: you’re either afraid of what will happen if you do, or you don’t fully believe it yourself.

Take an honest inventory of what you’re good at and own it!

Paula Renaye

Since I lived two states away, her emphatic promises that she was following directions to the letter kept me pacified. And what was I going to do about it anyway, send in the water police eight times a day to check on her? Turned out I wished I could have done exactly that, because what she said she’d been doing and what she actually had been weren’t even in the same ballpark.

I quickly discovered that drinking a “big ‘ol glass of water all the time” translated to taking a few sips from a 6-ounce juice glass when it crossed her mind. The only time she even came close to drinking a full mini-glass was when I was staring her down. Obviously, I was fighting a battle I wasn’t going to win.

The other day I was out in the heat, and as on many hot days, the water I was drinking wasn’t making the full circuit. What I wasn’t sweating out was bloating me like a toad. Knowing that one thing to do when you’re retaining water is to drink more of it, I did. My body took a lot of convincing, but it eventually started trusting that I’d keep the fluid coming and the cells started releasing their reserves.

During the process, however, I discovered a few things about myself. One was that my perception of how much water I routinely drank and the reality of it were quite different. Now, I always have a cup of herbal or green tea with me and drink water besides–I run fluids through my body. But, when I started consciously paying attention to exactly how much, it wasn’t anywhere near what I’d thought. In fact, as I stood there measuring the volume of the glass I’d been using, I had a rude awakening–I’d become my mother, complete with a juice glass that I wasn’t filling to the top or finishing.

Yes, it sucked to realize it and it isn’t pleasant to admit here either, but facts are facts. So, I took the various glasses that I typically used and measured how mcuh I usually drank. I averaged about 3/4 of a cup each time. What was my own “big ol’ glass of water” in my head was only giving me about 75% of what I believed it was. I wasn’t nearly the big water drinker I perceived myself to be.

So, before you tell me you’re certain you drink plenty of water, prove it to yourself first. If you’re where you can, keep a glass and a notepad by the sink for one full day and write down how many glasses of water you drank and how much was in each. If you’re on the go, take the note pad with you and do the best you can. Remember, ice takes up a lot of space, so factor that in to your estimates. Water bottles with ounce measurements are easy, but if yours doesn’t have that use a measuring cup to get a feel for the volume at various levels.

Once you’ve spent a day documenting yourself, you’ll know what you’re actually doing and can then make conscious choices to do something different if you want to. For me, that meant doing exactly what I’d told my mother to do–drink a full 8 ounces every time I go to the bathroom. I can keep drinking my tea, but I can’t delude myself that it’s actually enough anymore.

If a suggestion here makes sense to you, take it and use it. But whatever method you use to ensure you’re getting enough water, do it consciously and on purpose.

Drink up!

Paula Renaye

http://hardlineselfhelp.com

Admittedly, I’ve said those very things myself and probably for some of the same dumb reasons. We all have our personal twists on the situation, but we all share a bottom line too–fear.

For a long time, just the thought of dating made me ill. I didn’t want to have to turn my life upside down and start all over.  I did not want to play the mating game. All I wanted was for the man I had to straighten up and be who I wanted him to so I could have things the way I wanted them. Simple enough!

I’m sure you can see the myriad flaws with that plan, but at the time, I couldn’t. When I was married, I used the gratitude angle to try to convince myself how lucky I was that I had someone and didn’t have to go face today’s “scary” dating world. I convinced myself that things were so awful out there that staying safe and not having to deal with it was the wiser course of action.

It worked for a while, but as with all lies, it eventually came back to bite me. Because you see, while I was busy convincing myself how grateful I was that all was well in Happy Valley, it really wasn’t. And eventually, I wound up single and alone anyway. So, whether I liked it or not, if I wanted a man in my life, I had to get out there and actually meet one.

My first foray into the dating world began immediately after my marriage ended. My husband had been living in another country for a couple of years, so I argued that, unlike typical divorced people, I didn’t need to waste any time living alone and “finding myself” because I’d already had enough of that.

Well, it was a nice theory, but wrong. Even though I’d been living by myself, I’d still been married–technically and mentally. I certainly didn’t date or even think about it. My friends Denial and Delusion and I were  just keeping things going until my husband returned, a new and changed man. Sad, but true. Sadder still is that I’m the one who said I wanted a divorce. Clearly, I had everything all figured out.

Adding to that lovely scenario is that after being married for twenty-five years, I didn’t know how to not be married. Let’s face it, I’d said “I do” when I was a teenager. I had the wife thing down–at least in one context–but my dating experience had peaked as a sophomore in high school. To say that I had a lot of catching up to do seriously understates the situation.

Helpful friends encouraged me to sign up for an online dating service, which was a fairly new thing at the time. Since eHarmony offered a trial period back then, I went for that option first. There weren’t many people on at that point, and I think I wound up with less than ten matches. Or, it could have been how I answered those 57 pages of questions that limited my options in potential mates…

Nevertheless, I remember one guy whose profile said he “never smoked” and didn’t have or want children. However, there was a picture of him with a cigar, holding a two-year-old. So, I asked about both. The picture immediately vanished–and so did he–which just confirmed my opinions about men, the online scene and life in general. Annoyed with the whole process, I closed that account before my test run ended.

After complaining about my experience, a friend suggested I try a different type of service that she had just signed up for. Since the problem clearly wasn’t me, it had to be the limitations of the matching technique and the people on that one particular site, so I signed up for a new and different plan.

It’s a long story–and a serendipitous one–but the short version is that in the blink of an eye, I’d met Rebound Guy, was head over heels in love and was gloriously free from having to deal with the unpleasant business of dating ever again. Yay!

Well, if you’ve read my book you know it didn’t turn out quite so “yay” for either of us. But, the bottom line is that we’re only as good as what we know and what we are capable of doing at the time. We convince ourselves of all kinds of things then feel gut punched when they catch up with us and call our bluff.

Staying in an unhappy relationship simply because it’s easier than facing the truth isn’t doing anyone any favors. If you really don’t want to be with your partner anymore, have the respect for yourself and your partner to say so and deal with it. Do you really want to be the person who has to admit that, “Yep, my relationship sucked, but it was just too darned inconvenient and scary to leave.” That last option isn’t a pleasant one–not when you’re in the middle of it or when you look back on it–at least it wasn’t for me.

If any of this rings a bell with you, sit yourself down right now and figure out what’s really going on–and why. Then, make the choices you need to in order to get what you really want.

Be happy!

Paula Renaye

* * * *

Paula Renaye is a certified life coach, speaker and author of The Hardline Self Help Handbook, which has won Four National Book Awards. For more motivational articles and free audio and digital downloads, visit http://hardlineselfhelp.com and be inspired!

If you’re into fun and funny mystery novels, check out the first book in my Jolene Jackson Mystery Series by Paula Boyd, Hot Enough to Kill. It’s only $0.99 on Kindle!

Photo credit: Scott Snyde

The arena was packed with 14,000 fans, and from the roar of us singing along, it was clear that most of us knew the songs by heart. Yes, we knew the words and could sing along, but we hadn’t lived the life it took to be able to write those songs. No matter how many song lyrics we memorized, unless we all changed our lives to fit the words–and gained our own insights and wisdom in the process–we were destined to just be parrots.

I’m good with that. I don’t pretend to know what he knows or have experienced what he’s experienced. But in the self-improvement area, a lot of people do just that. We read and study and think we have it all figured out and are happy to share our new-found certainties of how life is.

You probably know some folks who always have the perfect solution for every problem. They rattle off their pearls of wisdom with conviction and confidence, certain they know what’s best for someone else. But do they really? Are they a walking example of how they’ve transformed their own lives or are they just self-help parrots?

In my experience, the more someone is certain they know what’s best for you, the less likely it is that they actually do–and odds are they aren’t a living example of their own grand advice either. I know I certainly learned the words to say long before I could live them. I was a deliberate Parrot Head and an unwitting parrot.

People who have lived past the parrot stage know they don’t have absolute answers for anyone else–they can’t. They can offer an objective assessment of the situation and provide suggestions accordingly based on the information available and their own experiences. But, they can’t ever know everything you know–about you or your situation–and they won’t assume they do. They aren’t there to tell you what to do, but help you find your own solutions, because those are the only ones that ever work anyway.

As Jimmy Buffett sings in Great Heart, “The world is full of strange behavior. Every man has to be his own savior.”

So, be patient with the Self-Help Parrots–and yourself. We can talk a good game long before we can actually live it.

Cheers!
Paula Renaye

PS: I posted some photos of the concert on my Facebook page if you want to take a peek.

“I’m growing older, but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. Let those winds of time blow over my head, I”d rather die while I”m living than live while I’m dead.”

(Yes, he sang that one!)

* * * *

Paula Renaye is a motivational speaker and Winner of Four National Book Awards for her no-nonsense personal development guide, The Hardline Self Help Handbook. Whether it is a relationship, career or health challenge, Hardline guides you step by step to your own solutions. http://hardlineselfhelp.com

What you might not know is that Paula is also a literary-award-winning mystery author as well, writing as Paula Boyd. The first book in the Jolene Jackson Mystery Series, Hot Enough to Kill, is currently ranked #20 In Mystery Women Sleuths on Kindle and #381 in the entire Kindle Store. It’s only 99 cents so get your copy now!

As we know, we all interpret things through the lens and filters of our personal experiences, and for me, those words set my stomach churning. I’ll explain why, but first here are the lyrics to ponder:

Stand By Your Man

Written by Billy Sherrill and Tammy Wynette

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You’ll have bad times
And he’ll have good times
Doing things that you don’t understand
But if you love him you’ll forgive him
Even though he’s hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh be proud of him
‘Cause after all, he’s just a man
Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

Now, regardless of your experiences, if you aren’t at least mildly disturbed by the picture that song paints, well, take another look. It isn’t just demeaning to women; it’s really demeaning to men. I can’t see any way that the line, after all, he’s “just” a man, isn’t an insult. You want me to believe that men are just weak and do what they do because they can’t help themselves? But the women, but women are above such things even though it’s hard, what?

From the lyrics, one might conclude–and one did–that because women are of higher moral fiber and emotional maturity, the foibles of their mates are simply a burden they must bear with understanding and unwavering devotion. Basically, that’s just the way it is, so deal with it.

Okay, I realize that’s a whole lot of analysis and conjecture for just a few short song lyrics–and we do hear what we want to hear–but that’s the picture the words painted for me. And the reason the message was so clear was because that’s exactly what I grew up believing about the way things were supposed to be between men and women. Wish I were kidding, but no.

That song is a pretty accurate template for the way the people in my family lived–and what I grew up believing was “normal.” No matter what a woman’s husband did—and in my family they all did plenty—she kept her chin up and wore her “wife” title like a crown. Like any good little co-dependent partner, she also worked tirelessly behind the scenes, monitoring and manipulating in hopes of keeping her man from doing what he really wanted to do. It generally didn’t work out very well, but it sure kept her focused and busy.

It all sounds so archaic even as I write it, but that’s the way it was–and still is for some. Yes, there are still people who think that way–I’ve met them. They come up to me after my presentations to explain why all that personal responsibility stuff I harp on is just crazy talk. But I digress.

Regardless of how you feel about the song lyrics–or my personal interpretation thereof–there’s no way around the fact that not many of us have given much thought to what a healthy relationship looks like and feels like. We just do what we do because it’s what’s familiar.

So, I have a few question for you:

• What is your definition of a healthy relationship? What does it look like? What does it feel like?
• What actions–physical or verbal–make you feel loved by your partner?
• What things that you do make you feel loving toward your partner?
• What is one thing people in a healthy relationship always do?
• What is one thing people in a healthy relationship never do?

There are no right or wrong answers, only lots of food for thought. If you want to learn even more about yourself, go back through each of those questions that you’ve already answered and ask “why.” You might be really surprised at why you do what you do and want what you want.

Let me know what you think about all this!

Paula Renaye

NOTE: Soon I’ll be sharing some exciting news with my subscribers about what’s been going on behind the scenes with Hardline for the last few months. So, if you aren’t on the newsletter mailing list, hop over to the left sidebar of the website at http://hardlineselfhelp.com and sign up. It’s free. Can’t wait to tell you what’s up!

FICTION FUN ALERT: If you’ve been looking for a fun and funny reading diversion, the first book in my award-winning Jolene Jackson Mystery Series, Hot Enough to Kill by Paula Boyd, will be available FREE on Kindle this Thursday and Friday only. I ran this promotion a couple of weeks ago and 7,000 people took advantage of the offer. This is the last chance to get it free for a while–maybe ever–so get it now!

We might be totally trusted to do what we say when it comes to getting to work on time, but will happily let ourselves off the hook for exercising or not having a candy bar, regardless of how many times we swore otherwise.

We’ve all done that–do that–so the question is, why?

There’s really only one answer: We do what we really want to, for reasons we probably don’t really understand.

We may know that munching on veggies instead of ice cream is healthier, but we want the ice cream anyway–it gives us what we want in the moment even if we regret it later. And, what we generally want in the moment isn’t the ice cream, it’s the feeling that the ice cream will give us.

Same for not exercising. If you read the blog post, Flip Your Mattress, Flip Your Mind, from a few weeks ago, you know that the reason I didn’t want to exercise–even though I knew it would be good for me–was because I had an inherent belief that I would feel worse afterward. I believed exercising would make me feel bad, so I found reasons not to do it.

What was really going on, however, was that my subconscious mind was simply operating on the programming that had been input–exercise feels bad–and was keeping me from having to feel bad. It was giving me what I “really” wanted, regardless of what I said consciously.

So, what do you do about it?

Recognizing where you’re letting yourself off the hook and figuring out why is the most important step. Once I realized I had the limiting belief, I reprogrammed it in my mind consciously–repeatedly and incessantly. If I caught myself having the old thoughts, I stopped and repeated, “No, I always feel great when I exercise” or something similar. It kept me aware and it worked.

Now, what about the ice cream?

Same thing applies, only in reverse. You have a belief that ice cream tastes good (and it does!) and that you will gain pleasure from it and will feel good. Well, that may be true in the moment, but it probably isn’t true in the long run. Once the guilt kicks in and the effects of the sugar and fat start piling up. you’ll feel bad, which means you need more ice cream to feel good. It’s a vicious cycle.

So, if you’re saying you shouldn’t eat ice cream (or anything else), but you do anyway, then be honest and admit you like the stuff and are going to eat it. At least that way you aren’t creating an internal conflict between what you say and what you do–and making yourself untrustworthy.

Now, if you really wish your self-control didn’t go out the window at the mere mention of pralines and cream or double chocolate fudge, then you have to change how you think and feel about the situation. And the way to do that–same as with the exercise–is to figure out what you really want for your life and what you’re willing to do to get it.

If what you really want is to be healthy, but you love being lazy and eating unhealthy foods, something’s gotta give. Since we can agree that you really do want to be healthy, the first thing you need to change is the way you feel about the things you do and the foods you eat.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Well, if you can just flip a switch in your brain and instantly make things different, good for you. I had to work for my changes. So, here’s what I did (we’ll stick with the ice cream example for this one).

1. First of all, I told myself that I could have ice cream whenever I wanted to–I’m an adult and it’s my choice. I also had to agree that in so doing I was willingly choosing the consequences thereof. If I made the choice, I couldn’t say anything like “Oh, I really shouldn’t.” Nope, just eat it and enjoy it honestly. And, there would be no whining about how it made me feel fat or bloated later, or yapping about how I wish I hadn’t done it. No, if I chose to eat ice cream, I vowed to do it on purpose and with gusto.
2. Then I started really thinking about how I felt when I ate ice cream. Yes, it was tasty in the moment, but afterward I really didn’t feel that great and I felt guilty and definitely wished I hadn’t done it. So, I focused on that feeling–feeling really bad–while I thought about ice cream.
3. At the same time, I started noticing how great I felt when I ate fresh veggies and fruits and avoided high calorie items and fried things. I liked the way I felt inside my clothes and inside my mind, and I started really thinking about that while I looked over the choices on a restaurant menu, Chinese buffet or in my grocery cart.

It all began to snowball and I very quickly developed very strong positive associations with things that were healthy–I loved the way I felt and looked and I wanted to keep feeling and looking that way, or even better. I also naturally developed strong negative associations with things that weren’t healthy–I didn’t see yummy things anymore, I saw things that would make me feel bad.

It never was punishment–I wasn’t ever depriving myself of anything. I was simply taking the facts and making choices accordingly. And, going through that process, I became really in tune with my body. I noticed that some days I just had to have sweet potatoes. Other days, it was raw broccoli, cauliflower and chicken. Whatever “called to me,” I ate it.

And yes, I even had ice cream when it called to me. I never ever felt bad about it either, because I knew if my body said it was okay, it was. And that was the key, I never forced myself to eat anything–or deprived myself. I just thought about what would make me feel good and what I would be happy about later.

For me, not only did I learn that I could trust myself to do what I said, I also learned I could trust my body to tell me what it wanted.

If the concept makes sense to you, give it a try. The most important part of it is learning to trust yourself and own your own power. You are the authority in your life and you get to choose what you do!

Choose wisely and live your joy!

Paula Renaye
http:hardlineselfhelp.com

photo by Marja Flick-Buijs

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Paula Renaye is a motivational speaker and Winner of Four National Book Awards for her no-nonsense personal development guide, The Hardline Self Help Handbook. Whether it is a relationship, career or health challenge, Hardline guides you step by step to your own solutions. http://hardlineselfhelp.com

Did you know that I also write fiction as Paula Boyd? The first book in my award-winning Jolene Jackson Mystery Series, Hot Enough to Kill, is on the Kindle Top Sellers list right along with Janet Evanovich, which is fun since reviewers often compare my books to hers. So, if you need a laugh, hope over to amazon.com and a get a copy now for only 99 cents.

There is some really great guidance available from solid sources–you know I love Dr. Harville Hendrix’ classic, Getting the Love You Want, among other stellar options. However, there are also some folks out there calling themselves dating and relationship “gurus” and “experts” that would make even the proverbial Snake Oil Salesman blush with shame.

Some of the tips and tricks they offer are just plain silly–the “talk down to or bust on the pretty girl” routine or the “feed the guy’s ego and never say what you really think” program to name a few.

Now, let’s be clear. That stuff does work on particular types of people and some of those tricks will get you attention. But, unless you have the maturity of a thirteen-year-old, or are trying to attract someone on that level, it isn’t going to get you what you really want in the long run.

That scenario is disturbing enough, but some of the “advice” and “training” out there takes things to the level of psychological manipulation in a “do this so she’ll feel that” formula, and it’s downright scary.

Teaching a guy how to become a smarmy pickup artist doesn’t make him cool or a great potential partner, it makes him a predator. Furthermore, on the female side of things, convincing a woman she has to turn herself inside out in order to catch and keep a man doesn’t speed her along the road to wedded bliss, it makes her willing prey.

Years ago, after I broke up with Rebound Guy, he sent me the link to a book on relationships. The heavy-handed sales pitch promised that if I would just learn to “talk right” to my man and understand what he was going through and how I could make things better for him, my life would forever be filled with sunshine and roses. And, of course, for $29.95, the author was going to tell me exactly how to change myself in order to become this irresistible dream woman that my man would fall all over himself to please.

Well, alrighty then. With steam coming out my ears, I shelled out my thirty bucks and downloaded a PDF of the supposed magic formula. Now, I did not do this because I wanted to “fix” myself in order to get Rebound Guy back. I’d spent five years on that plan, thank you very much, and it had failed dismally. No, I did it more to remind me why I didn’t and because I wanted to know what the author was really selling–and what I might have been willing to try a few years before.

As it turned out, the “book”–and I use the word loosely–was sort of a “communicate better” kind of thing. It wasn’t all bad advice, but the author’s whole premise was that the success–or failure–of the relationship was loaded squarely on the woman’s shoulders. If things weren’t going well, it was her fault. Obviously, she was doing something to cause her man’s undesirable behavior, and if she’d just say and do things differently then he would do and be exactly what she wanted.

Now, you all know how passionate I am about self-growth, personal development and speaking your truth, but that’s not what the book was pushing. It sounded like behind the scenes manipulation–if you do this, he’ll do that–and I found the whole thing condescending to both sexes.

I refuse to believe that all men are fearful idiots who must be manipulated into owning their feelings. I promise you there are men who do not have to be coaxed and coddled into becoming emotionally mature adults–they’ve already done it for themselves.

And there’s the bottom line. You can learn how to trick lonely, needy or naïve people into bed, but there are no quick fixes or barroom tricks that will get you a great relationship. Whatever your gender, if you want a healthy, emotionally mature, mutually fulfilling relationship, you have to be a healthy and emotionally mature individual first and behave accordingly.

Now, as a side note, and to be fair to Rebound Guy, he and I have talked extensively and openly about why we did what we did back then and it’s been healing for both of us. With none of the old baggage weighing us down, we’ve been able to talk about what we learned from our time together and even had a laugh or two at ourselves in the process. And if you’ve read Hardline you know what an accomplishment that is!

No matter how you feel right now–no matter how lonely, alone or simply in need of human touch–be sure you go about meeting your needs in the best way for you. And, I promise, that isn’t a supposedly instant fix from a hard-sell hawker on an internet squeeze page.

What do you do? We humans have needs, and one of those is being with others of our kind. So, get out and be with people. Hug a friend–hug a lot of friends! Go to a spa and get a massage. Go to a gym and work out. Walk, hike…move!

Most importantly, take care of that space between your ears. Get up close and personal with your feelings, no matter how “bad” or “pathetic” they might seem to you–they aren’t. It’s in facing the truth of what you’re thinking and feeling that you can figure out if there are some beliefs that might be part of the problem.

For example, “No one will ever love me” or “There must be something wrong with me” are good starting points for digging deep into the why of those thoughts. Write whatever comes up, no matter how silly or unpleasant it may seem. You might be surprised at the insights you get and how you can turn those around to start working for you.

Get going now and live your joy!

Paula
The Hardline Self Help Handbook
http://hardlineselfhelp.com

Totally unrelated note:

If you love funny mysteries, check out Hot Enough to Kill by Paula Boyd (that’s me too). It’s FREE March 1st & 2nd only.  Here’s part of a review that appeared in Redbook: “Don’t Mess with Texas! You’ll laugh your way from Kickapoo to Redwater Falls and back.” Romantic Times said:, “Anyone who enjoys the works of Janet Evanovich or Joan Hess is going to love Ms. Boyd.” Get it on your Kindle now!